nanashii_chie

VALENTINE'S DAY... never in my whole life have i ever celebrated this day. not once has this thought even crossed my mind. at least, until last year.

i never had any reason to celebrate this day. and once upon a time, i even believed it to be a stupid excuse for a sappy idiotic lovefool to be a complete moron. actually, i still believe this to be so. but at least now, i've cut everyone some slack concerning this... this foolishness. because now, now he gave me a reason to celebrate it.

but i was disappointed. he disappointed me.

last year, he told me he hoped i would one day celebrate this day with him. and this year, today, i was foolish enough to comply. and he disappointed me, gravely disappointed me.

i waited the whole day for some sort of effort -- the barest, slightest effort on his part to try and make this day special for me as he had once professed he would. but there was none.

at the end of the day, i was already near tears with frustration, with disappointment. he disappointed me and i am disappointed at myself for letting him disappoint me as he did.

but i have to be fair to him. he did treat me to lunch and he did pay for dota. he also bought me lasagna -- but i'd have to point out that the lasagna was my prize for getting better grades than him on our exams.

i know that he was saving up to buy me a dog which meant that he didn't have much money to spare. and i am absolutely grateful to him for that. believe me, i am.

but still, he doesn't have to buy me anything for this foolish foolish day just to make it special for me. he could have simply done something to make me feel special. and yet he didn't. and i am disappointed. so terribly disappointed.

nanashii_chie

this entry is to commemorate the death of my dearly beloved brain cells...

prelims has officially ended and yet the quiz fest goes on. it's futile to hope that we'd have at least one day of rest from this endless stream of quizzes. i feel like a pirate in search of the ever elusive horizon...

welcome to the life of a 3rd year med. tech. student!

and yes, what a welcome it is... every single minute i feel like i'm failing something or everything. every single second is devoted to worrying, studying and trying to sleep. or at least hoping to. to be able to look wistfully at your bed and dream about sleeping is perhaps a luxury one can't even afford to do.

is there no escape from this neverending nightmare?

even at home and sitting in front of my beloved computer, i find no sanctuary. i am constantly plagued by mountains of work and the end is nowhere near.

oh, the horror! the horror of it all!

no classes!

such an announcement would have once fooled me into celebrating a dearly needed rest day. but now, i am wiser. now, i know better. rest days do not exist. they are merely there so students can catch up to whatever work they have to do. hopefully.

yes, welcome to the life of a 3rd year med. tech. student

nanashii_chie

In the silence of the night,
Tears unbidden clear my sight
In this everlasting futile fight,
I let darkness hold me tight.

In the battlefield of depression,
Solitude joins me as my sole companion
Anguish and Despair, my enemies, fight for intrusion
But my fortress holds steadfast against their illusion.

Cries of battle and sounds of war
Fill my ears like unwelcomed tar
Yet silence prevails like the light of a star
And none so precious can it mar.

The battle rages on with all its might
Neither waxing nor waning, this everlasting futile fight
In the silence of the night ,
I let darkness hold me tight.

nanashii_chie

Only from afar have I allowed myself to watch you
Sitting there as if you've nothing better to do
Standing out and alone in the crowd
A solitary figure atop a pedestal so proud

All day long I stare at you
I wonder if you see me too
All day long you gaze back at me
I wonder if it is me that you see

There is so much I'd like to say
But will you give me your time of day?
There is so much I'd want you to know
But will you promise to listen and not go?

I love you -- 'tis true
But I know you don't have a clue
I do not have the courage to approach you
Nor the strength to face the truth I rue

Only from a distance can I love you
For I know you cannot feel for me too
Only in my dreams can I make you love me
For only there can I make a reality out of a folly

Love is eternal
Love is surreal
Love is but a dream
Or so it may seem

note: this poem was written about 3 years ago for our class play in filipino. yet again, the ironies of life... an english poem for a filipino project...  

nanashii_chie

i am afraid to breathe
because for every breath that i take
means another second for me to live.
and i no longer have the desire to live
for to live without him
is to be but a mere shell of an existence
a death far worse than dying itself.

         ~inspired by Sidney Sheldon's "Are you afraid of the dark?"

this section of my journal entry is for the sole purpose of paying tribute to Pope John Paul II who recently passed away last Sunday, April 03, 2005.

i have never known him personally. i have never even been within a 10 mile radius of the pope. i'm not even a devout catholic. so, to be honest, i don't know what to write here. all i know is, today is our clearance and our grades were posted online the other day, the day after the death of the pope... and i passed. which, by the way, is nothing short of a miracle. which must mean that there has been some sort of divine intervention... hmmm... perhaps the pope, in his deathbed, prayed that all our prayers be granted (i'd like to think that the pope prayed specifically for my salvation from the wrath of my professors but that would be too presumptious of me...) now, i feel truly guilty because i feel as if the pope died just so i would pass and i have never been a good catholic... 

it's been a month since we officially became abekku... we, meaning the doahou and i... yep, today is our first monthsary... if there even is such a thing. i mean sure, a lot of couples do celebrate it but somehow i just cannot grasp its supposed necessity. i am of the opinion that it is absolutely unnecessary, not to mention utterly ridiculous and stupidly impractical. i know i should be more understanding of the uhh... lovers' plight and yet i'm not. so shoot me.  

i have managed to convince him not to give too much significance to it. and thankfully, he's not like those other bumbling idiots who conforms to the common practices of the society without giving much thought to their purpose, practicality and reason. thank goodness he still has a brain and knows how to use it.  but then again, he wouldn't be my koibito if he didn't.

i used to ask a certain friend about topics concerning love and anything closely related to it just to give me some idea about it. and i distinctly remember him answering me with the all too common answer of "you'll know when it happens to you." this same friend, upon being informed of the current development of my relationship with corn (a.k.a. the doahou) asked me if my questions have now been answered. well, my answer?  no, not really. i still do not understand love. and i doubt if anyone actually truly does.

fic inspiration: i do not believe in infinity. show it to me and then maybe, just maybe, i might...